Humor:

 A military Veteran joins a Church. Jim
05/04/98
We recently applied for membership at the There But For
The Grace of God Go I church, and among other things had
an interview with two of the church elders about our
beliefs, what we expect to get out of the church, and
what we can contribute to the church body. I guess we
made a few mistakes based on false assumptions, because
they presented me with this written list of answers to
some of my questions and comments.
1. It is not necessary to refer to the other neighboring
churches as "the competition", and your advice on how to
whup them during sweeps week is not needed at this time.
2. The church grounds are not "the compound", and the
sanctuary is not "the bunker".
3. We have no plans to offer Dom Perignon and Brie as
part of the Lord's Supper.
4. Although we consider Speaking in Tongues to be a valid
gift of the Holy Spirit, Speaking in Rap is definitely not.
5. In the future, please refrain from referring to nonmembers
as "those lousy heretics."
6. No doubt a line of chorus girls would increase attendance,
but we do not feel that it would contribute to the atmosphere
of worship.
7. Your offer to contribute heavy artillery is quite generous,
but we do not wish to stockpile those items. No, really.
8. If we ever plan a sermon on the Book of Revelation
interpreted in mime, we'll certainly call on your expertise.
9. Your idea is brilliant, but there are constitutional
objections to bringing strayed members back into the
fold by rounding up a posse.
10. We strongly disapprove of describing the Crusades as
"the good old days", and have no intention of reviving them.
11. Yes, Doug Henning does seem like he can raise the dead,
but we're certain it is only an illusion.
12. We would not count your ability to play "Amazing Grace"
by compressing air under your armpit among the contributions
you can make to the church.
13. Many of our members attend services in casual attire, but
we beg you to reconsider the thong bikini.
14. We would never turn you away, but perhaps the church
next door would be more accomodating to your colorful
interests? Oh, they sent you here. So be it... welcome,
brother!


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