Humor:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the
way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
(Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.)
!
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and
cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try
to turn the knob, or get your paw under the! edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
I entered. (In addition, I have been using the
bathroom for years ... canine or feline attendance is not
mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be
such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door ....

Rules for non-pet owners w ho visit and like to complain about our
pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal; to me he and/or she is an adopted son
and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all
fours and is speech challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need a gazillion dollars for college, AND, if
they get pregnant, you can sell the results.