Banking

The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.


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To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his depositing the check and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of
funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only
thirty-one years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has recently become. From
now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status
form which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I
will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even
further. When you call me, you will now have a menu
of options on my new voice mail system to choose
from.

Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a
password to access my computer is required. Password
will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee of
$50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)