Humor:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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Life is sexually transmitted, have you ever thought about that?

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

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Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

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AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists ---
most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired
visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster;
you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.
Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.