Humor:

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- What's another word for "thesaurus"?

- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in awhile I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

- My driver's license photo got taken out of focus and I left it that way on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) ...and says, "Here, you can go."

- I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.