What Is The Internet?
Humor:
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
The tithe is more than just giving 10% to a church, it is a way for God to have authority in your life over all that matters, your income, your growth, even relationships.
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
"on- line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online,
which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave
your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their
programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your
business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer
experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill
forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying
for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we
do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering
the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to
the on- line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm
connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of
things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but the Internet connects you with millions of people all over
the entire globe!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in.
Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Religious
People Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats. At any given moment, an area
can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake
names so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages,
in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from
writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking to
almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. Yes, but possibly they are pretending to be writers, wranglers,
scientists, singers, etc.
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by
posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages
about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by
posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then
sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much
they hate Barry Manilow.
Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. It is.
Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where
you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-
infinite range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages,"
which are maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using
special software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or
listen to all kinds of cool stuff.
Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an
Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and
specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up your
World Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address,
which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of
characters like this:
http//:wwwfweemer.twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee-
##$.fle/ fo/fum
Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.
Q. Ah.
A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press
Enter, and there you are!
Q. Where?
A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen.
It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in
the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. It might be
quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats in
person.
Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A. Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can
utilize the vast resources of the Web in ways that you never dreamed
possible.
Q. For example?
A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser,"
which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace --
millions of documents for references to a specific word or group of
words. You can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever
written on the Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful
research tool.
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