Church bloopers

Humor:

* A church sign in Rome, Ga., at Thanksgiving: "No Services this Wednesday night, thanks be unto God!"--

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

* The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* Evening massage - 6 p.m.

* The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

* The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

* Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

* Ushers will eat latecomers.

* The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

* The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

* Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

* Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

* Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

* The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

* 22 members were present at the meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

* A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

* Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

* Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".

* On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.

* Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

* The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary...

* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And an original...

Announcement from the Pulpit by the Associate Pastor:

"Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside. Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods... " (then without skipping a beat) "Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here at the church...!"

The tithe is more than just giving 10% to a church, it is a way for God to have authority in your life over all that matters, your income, your growth, even relationships.