Quips and Quotes

Humor:

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

The tithe is more than just giving 10% to a church, it is a way for God to have authority in your life over all that matters, your income, your growth, even relationships.